Table of Contents
When I was a young girl, I remember feeling bad that I was a girl, and I used to want to be a boy. I would play with boys more because I thought boys were “cooler”, and I used to fantasize that I had a man’s body in the sexual sense. When I was around 6-8 years old, I had recurring dreams wherein I would have a penis.
I was a very sexually-curious child, and had my first sexual relations with a boy when I was only 6 years old. I liked to look at and play with other kids (both boys and girls) in a sexual manner, and in my teens I became sexually active. I enjoyed and sometimes craved the feeling of sexual stimulation, and would masturbate frequently as a teen also.
2. Feminist phase
None of this seemed strange, just a part of who I was. As I got older, and went to university, I met a lot of “feminists”, LGBTQ (lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans, queer) people, and politically-minded people. In my teens I was passionate about human and animal rights, but in university I became more militant-minded and became interested in Anarchist philosophy. I became heavily involved in the Women’s centre at my school campus, and a lot of my friends were lesbians or “queer” (a political term to be an affront to the “normal” gender stereotypes of male, female, straight, gay, etc.). I enrolled in Women’s Studies, and pursued it as a minor.
3. Relationship that worsened my overall condition
My first long-term boyfriend in University, Joe, identified himself as “queer”, and used to act and dress in a vulgar way, often as a political statement. He was sexually involved with his friends, and would go to gay bars and make out with people. He dressed like a “punk”, and would also make contrary statements in public or to my family thinking he was right and more progressive. I went to my first gay bar with Joe when we were dating, and it became a semi-regular thing with him or my friends.
As my relationship with Joe progressed, I began dressing and acting differently, more controversially, experimental or avant-garde. I was always a direct, go-getter type of person, but there was a masculine side to me that was sometimes very cold, harsh and abrasive. I remember having inner conflicts through my teens and early twenties about my appearance. At times I wanted to cut my hair really short and have a “boy cut”, and at times I wanted long hair down to the small of my back. When I turned twenty I cut my hair very short, and when I met my boyfriend Joe it had started to grow out. As we spent more time together, my dress changed from softer colours and materials to harder colours like red and black. I bought combat boots, and started to dress more “punk”. I cut my hair very short, and dyed it various colours like red and pink.
Joe wanted to be in a polyamorous relationship, which a lot of my friends were doing, so I was also interested in trying to practice “free love without any attachments” and date other people while we were still together. I became sexually involved with other men while dating Joe, and stared to explore sexual intimacy with women also. Even though I was never drawn to girls sexually when I was younger, there was a feeling that so many of my friends were queer and it seemed like the “progressive” thing to do.
4. Lesbian phase
After ending my relationship with Joe, I dated my first girlfriend and after that I was only interested in dating women. I felt at once both thrilled to be with my girlfriends and also uncomfortable in the pit of my stomach when it came to sexual intercourse. Still, I pushed through any discomfort just so I could do what I wanted to do, and be with who I wanted to be with.
After a series of troubled relationships, one night on a “queer night” at a popular dance club, I met a trans-gendered person named Zach (he was born a female, but was now living life as a man). I again felt some discomfort, but also a pull towards Zach and we started spending time together. We ended up dating for 2 years and moved in together.
There was a lot of conflict and strife in our relationship, and excessive amounts of fighting and drama, which was unusual because I was usually a calm and reasonable person. However I felt I got pulled into a very co-dependent relationship and I could not get out. Zach, who was really a female, had a lot of anxiety and stress about his gender, how people perceived him in public, at work, in his family, etc. He had a hard time maintaining a job or keeping money, which also caused a big strain on our relationship.
(Editor’s note: Zach was possessed by a subtle-sorcerer (māntrik) from the 4th region of hell, while Caroline was possessed by a subtle-sorcerer from the 2nd region of hell. Consequently, since the subtle-sorcerer in Zach was stronger, she could not resist being controlled by the subtle-sorcerer in Zach. This happened despite Caroline being psychologically stronger than Zach.)
In 2009 Zach and I decided to visit India as he had relatives there in Goa. Only by the grace of God, were we able to get the opportunity to meet SSRF seekers who were living at the SSRF Spiritual Research Centre in Goa.
5. Staying in the SSRF Spiritual Research Centre and finding out that I am possessed by a male entity
It was almost like a miracle, for as soon as I started chanting God’s Name as per the seekers’ recommendation, I felt some release of energy inside of me and especially at my heart chakra (Anāhat-chakra). Zach and I were curious to learn more about spiritual practice, and we were invited to visit the SSRF Spiritual Research Centre. We felt an immense amount of peace and tranquillity at the SSRF Spiritual Research Centre, and could feel the genuine love from the seekers staying there. We were allowed to stay for some weeks to do spiritual practice including chanting, spiritual healing, service to the Truth (satsēvā), and participate in subtle-experiments.
(Editor’s note: Subtle-experiments are conducted as part of spiritual research into the spiritual dimension using highly-evolved 6th sense.)
Within a short time, I felt some changes inside of me and started to feel like I did not want to be in a relationship with Zach any longer. I actually broke up with him in the Spiritual Research Centre, and felt finally I could be free and set myself on the right path.
I started to have a lot of emotional outbursts. Through intensive spiritual healing sessions, I learned that I was possessed by a negative energy. Later His Holiness Dr. Athavale clarified that it was a subtle-sorcerer, and it had started possessing me in this life. As I got older the percentage of control it had on me had increased. When I was sixteen years old it had 50% power, and when I was twenty it had 70%. At the time of visiting the Spiritual Research Centre, the subtle-sorcerer had 70-90% control over me.
Thus I could understand why I had gender confusion (e.g. wanting a male sexual organ, opposing ideas about how I should dress or wear my hair) because the subtle-sorcerer, which was male, was merging with my thoughts and I could not distinguish my own thoughts from his! As I suffered from anxiety and inability to take responsibility, this knowledge actually gave me relief after some time as I realised that so much inner conflict I felt about gender – and life in general – was due to being possessed by a subtle-sorcerer.
6. Focus on spiritual practice
Over the next few years, changes continued to unfold in my life. I remained single for 3 years and did not feel like dating anyone. I focused on spiritual practice, and felt a great amount of healing occurring inside. Before I would feel very insecure about myself and I was unable to take small decisions due to anxiety and self-doubt, but now slowly I started to be able to live a responsible life. I took on more responsibility in spiritual practice, at work, and also overcame a lot of past problems with family members.
My family was very happy to see the changes in me as well, as I became more calm, amicable, and “normal”. My mother said that I used to dress certain ways or date certain people just to upset her. I didn’t do it intentionally, but now I could see that so much of my earlier behaviour was really influenced by negative energies.
With God and H.H. Dr. Athavale helping me follow the correct spiritual path, a certain feminine beauty started to emerge from within me. I used to feel uncomfortable with looking feminine or being “soft”, but by God’s grace, I began to feel like a real woman for the first time.
7. Engaged to be married to a very nice man
In 2013 I met a very nice man and am engaged to be married this summer (2014). My parents are very happy, and they think they could not have found a more perfect man for me to marry. It is remarkable, because in my whole life I never wanted to get married. But two years prior, as changes started taking place in my life, I suddenly got the feeling that I wanted to get married.
I started looking for someone to be with, however nothing good came of it. Then when I finally gave up and felt at peace with being alone, with God, my beautiful fiancé walked into my life.
I am very grateful to God and H.H. Dr. Athavale for showering so much love, patience, care and grace on me, taking me out of unhealthy life patterns and bringing me closer to God. There was so much ego and inner turmoil before, and I was truly in a dark place. But He has lifted me out and given me everything. My only prayer is that He gets more spiritual practice done from me, so that I can come closer to God.
– Miss Caroline Matthews, Canada (Alias name to protect the privacy of the seeker)